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Tag:Johnsson
Posted on: February 25, 2009 1:48 pm
Edited on: February 25, 2009 2:17 pm
 

If Minnesota Wild Miss Playoffs by One Point...

premature articulations:

The 8th seed team can thank Kim Johnsson for turning a Minnesota Wild 1-0 shutout win against the Los Angeles Kings into 1-1 tie and shootout loss, courtesy of The Shot Heard Around His Own Net.  Just when warped minds were getting optimistic about the Wild's chances to put some points between them and the playoff bubble, the Swedish Salary Cap Boat Anchor strikes again.  But there's more about Johnsson later in the Bottom Quarks sector of the kihntinuum, so it wouldn't do for the Warpy Psychlotron to give everything away now, eh?


dangling sub-atomic participles:

Top Quark(s):  Mikko Koivu received the #1 star in last night's game, but I've gotta give the Top Quark to Antti Miettinen for his stellar performance.  I addition to the sweet, jock strap shredding move he put on Kings goalie Jonathan Quick in regulation time, #20 also potted the only shootout goal for the good guys (though Koivu drew iron on his SO effort after putting the move on Quick).  Miettinen's hustle on defense wasn't too shabby, either, which has to please Jacques Lemaire to no end.

Up Quark(s):  Koivu gets a huge Up Quark for his assist on Miettinen's shorthanded tally.  #9 generated the whole play by jumping a pass route in a manner reminiscent of Darren Sharper picking off another Brett Favre interception.  It's a shame that he hit the post on the shootout, because he had the goalie beaten crisp and clean with no caffeine.  Speaking of Kings goaltending, Quick gets an Up Quark for his insane glove save on Koivu earlier in the game, when Mikko appeared on the verge of finishing off a sweet backdoor play.

Down Quark(s):  It's hard to find much in the way of downers in a low scoring, evenly kihntested game, but warped minds were less than thrilled with the officiating.  Some Wild players got sent to the box on really marginal ticky-tack calls, whereas Cal Clutterbuck was getting worked over all night by the Kings while drawing only one whistle.  Kings fans also have a right to scratch their heads at the refereeing last night: as weak as some of the calls against the Wild were, the calls against the Kings were even worse, and appeared to serve no purpose other than as make-up calls in order to keep the marbles somewhat balanced between the proverbial pockets.

Bottom Quark(s):  In order to cut down on the amount of typing I'll need to do on further entries, I might as well put Kim Johnsson's name here on a permanent basis, and fill in the needed details later.  The Swedish Salary Cap Boat Anchor plays "defense" as if he's afraid people will think he's gay if he's seen touching another guy.  The closest thing Johnsson does to "checking" is the occasional sticking out of the arm or stick, which forwards easily skate through on their way to the net while #5 spins around like a five million dollar turnstile.

Yep, no doubt about it: Kim Johnsson piles up another Bottom Quark to add to his dildaphonic collection.  As if non-checking and non-defending isn't bad enough, now #5 feels the need to shoot pucks into his own net.  Granted, Johnsson wasn't actually trying to score on Backstrom on the play, but what kind of chowderhead decides to try clearing the puck by throwing it across the crease two inches in front of the goal line in any defensive situation?

Strange Quark(s):  What's up with Pierre-Marc Bouchard not even getting a sniff at trying to win the game for the Wild in the shootout?  #96 has been on fire for the last couple of weeks, and has been on one of those rolls where even his bad shots find a Midas touch.  With the shootout knotted at 1-1 after the first three shooters, the Wild brain trust had a prime chance to put the game in the hands of the hottest player not named Owen Nolan.  But noooooooo -- they decide to go with Brent "Lost His Mojo" Burns for all the marbles.  Aside from playing sub-standard defense for several weeks, Brent Burns has left much to be desired in shootouts this year.  As readers of earlier blog entries will no doubt remember, I've used lots of adjectives to describe what I think of Brent Burns doing his silly impression of Pavol Demitra on shootouts ("let's go far off to one side, and give the goalie only one angle to worry about..")

Charmed Quark(s):  When Niklas Backstrom stopped Anze Kopitar cold on the first SO shot, warped minds were sure that two points were in the bag for the good guys.  That sentiment lasted all of about five seconds, when some genius decided to go with Marek Zidlicky for our first shooter.  It's amazing how some defensemen (*cough* Keith Carney or Erik Reitz) can stay in Jacques Lemaire's doghouse indefinitely, while others get a free pass in a matter of days.  Lemaire has been reaming Zidlicky a new one for the last couple of games, but all of a sudden when the game is on the line, he decides to throw up a big, juicy bone.  Brilliant.  If he was gonna throw a bone to a defenseman, Lemaire could've at least picked Martin Skoula -- he has been on a scoring roll lately (heck, any time Skooly gets a point, it qualifies as a "roll".)  Can you imagine the noise at the X if #41 were to get a shootout goal?

The Invisible Higgs Boson Award(s):  At the rate things are progressing, the Europeans will fire up their Large Hadron Collider (LHC) and disCERN the real Higgs particle before Marian Gaborik is seen in skates again.  It's enough to make warped minds fire up their THC (that would be "titanic hadron collider", in case your twisted mind was thinking about chemistry instead of physics...)


post-dramatic sin drones:

And in Kihnclusion:  One point is better than none, but with home games running out faster than 401k balances in American dollars, the Wild let one get away.  Next up is a western road trip that starts with the inevitable loss to the Calgary Flames, followed by an entertaining wax job on the Edmonton Oilers, which Derek Boogaard will no doubt be looking forward to  GO WILD!!!


...and now, a word from our spawn's heirs...

If my wife to be or not to be is watching, the butterfly position isn't just for goalies anymore.  To the rest of you, thanx for tuning in, and remember: the sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.

 

 

 

Category: NHL
Posted on: February 17, 2009 3:14 pm
Edited on: February 17, 2009 3:23 pm
 

Maybe Next Year

premature articulations:

Well, it's official: we can stick a fork in the Minnesota Wild's playoff chances this year, because they're done.  Sure, there are still a couple of dozen games left to be played, and sure, it's possible to go from 10th to 5th in one night and vice versa, but playoff bound teams don't go around blowing 3-0 leads at home to easy opponents.  It's bad enough to lose a game and fail to gain two points (hey, it's no disgrace to get waxed by the Red Wings), but to have those points all but in hand and then choke 'em away -- especially to the Ottawa freaking Senators (a.k.a. this winning streak is hosing us out of the Tavares lottery) -- is the final straw.  It's a good thing this was a three day weekend, otherwise warped minds would've been tempted to write this blog Saturday night after the game, and the language would've no doubt gotten me banned:)  As it is, the Warpy Psychlotron has had some time to cool off, which is probably a good thing.


dangling sub-atomic participles:

Top Quark(s):  No doubt about it: Owen Nolan was the player of the game Saturday night.  Two goals and a sweet assist is not bad for a period's work.  If Jacques Lemaire hadn't talked the team into playing "old time" defensive shell hockey between periods, Nolan might've given Kobe Bryant a run for the money for high scorer of the night.  Warped minds were majorly down on Doug Risebrough's offseason move to sign Olden Nolan to a two year deal, but these days, it's looking like the smartest move he's made in the last two years.

Up Quark(s):  After a brief "slump", Pierre-Marc Bouchard is back in scoring form.  #96 and #11 are clicking together extremely well, with Antti Miettinen and Eric Belanger filling in admirably in the odd spot.  All of which probably means that it's only a matter of shifts until Lemaire decides to put 'em on four separate lines.

Down Quark(s):  Brent Burns gets a Down Quark for his continued putrid defensive play.  If this sounds like a repeat of the previous blog entry or three, it is.  #8 plays more and more like Kim Johnsson every game he's out there.  His recent lack of physical defensive play wouldn't be so bad if his offense were effective, but lately, his offensive rushes have come at annoyingly wrong times, and more often than not, Burnsie hangs his partner out to dry.  Jacques Lemaire was absolutely right to be livid at him for the tying Sens goal, but he should be twice as mad at Kim Johnsson, because:

Bottom Quark(s):  In order to cut down on the amount of typing I'll need to do on further entries, I might as well put Kim Johnsson's name here on a permanent basis, and fill in the needed details later.  The Swedish Salary Cap Boat Anchor plays "defense" as if he's afraid people will think he's gay if he's seen touching another guy.  The closest thing Johnsson does to "checking" is the occasional sticking out of the arm or stick, which forwards easily skate through on their way to the net while #5 gets spun around like a five million dollar turnstile.

Johnsson was in Bottom Quark form Saturday, letting the Senators back into the game with his dildaphonic defense on the first two goals.  I thought the ref might wave off the first Sens goal for goalie interference -- on Johnsson.  After non-defending one player, Johnsson decided the smartest thing to do would be to park himself in the crease and get in Niklas Backstrom's way.  On the second Sens tally, #5 decided to abandon the man with the puck behind the net, skate about halfway to the intended recipient of the pass (hey, we wouldn't wanna get too close to another guy, eh?) then position himself to set up a perfect screen.  I swear, the Wild could easily gain a goal a game on offense by having Johnson pretend to defend the other net whenever we have the puck.

Strange Quark(s):  In order to test a Warpy theory of CBS blog scoring logic, I'll make one small change (adding the extra "s" in Johnsson's name above to correct the spelling) after somebody has posted a comment to this blog, in order to see if the score suddenly drops into negative numbers.  I don't think I pissed off that many Wings fans on my last blog; even though I tried to, I think they've wised up to the fact that I like to get their goats, 'cause they've been guarding their farm animals a lot better lately. Laughing

Charmed Quark(s):  Yes, it's official!  Against my better instincts, Martin Skoula is once again removed from the Permanent Bottom Quark kihntinuum.  Last time I removed him from there, he started playing like his old self again and put together a forgettable string of brutal performances, but I've decided to tempt fate and try removing him again.  Besides, Johnsson is so much worse than Skooly these days (not to mention about five times more expensive) that the time has come to christen the New Dildaphonic Duo: Kim Johnsson and Brent Burns.

The Invisible Higgs Boson Award(s):  At the rate things are progressing, the Europeans will fire up their Large Hadron Collider (LHC) and disCERN the real Higgs particle before Marian Gaborik is seen in skates again.  It's enough to make warped minds fire up their THC (that would be "titanic hadron collider", in case your twisted mind was thinking about chemistry instead of physics...)


post-dramatic sin drones:

And in Kihnclusion:  Playoffs?  Playoffs?!  Are you kidding me?  Playoffs?!  Don't talk to me about playoffs!  Next up is an expected home loss to the Calgary Flames.  Naturally, I'll be cheering for a Wild win, but let's face it: the Flames own us.  Maybe if I abstain from ending this blog entry with GO WILD!!! the luck will change.  GO WILD!!!  ...uhhhh... wait a minute...


...and now, a word from our spawn's heirs...

If my wife to be or not to be is watching, the butterfly position isn't just for goalies anymore, ya know.  To the rest of you, thanx for tuning in, and remember: Confucius says men who study calculus find life full of limits.

Posted on: February 2, 2009 7:37 pm
Edited on: February 5, 2009 2:42 pm
 

Two Out of Three Ain't Bad

premature articulations:

If there's one thing that has been consistent with the Minnesota Wild in the last two months, it's been that fans never know what to expect in any given game.  Warped minds were all set to gleefully witness the carnage the good guys would inflict on an Edmonton Oilers team fresh off a 10-2 waxing at the hands of the Sabres, only to see the Wild lay another egg.  Then, with back to back defeats looking as inevitable as Republicans blaming Obama for everything short of jock itch, the Wild go and grab a road win against the Vancouver Canucks, then pitch a shutout against the Anaheim Ducks for good measure.  Go figure.  But enough robtangled politcs talk, eh?  It's time to fire up the Warpy Psychlotron: 


dangling sub-atomic participles:

Top Quark(s):  Friday:  It's tough to find anyone from either team worthy of the Top Quark, so we'll give this one to Cal Clutterbuck by default for his continued inspired physical play.  Normally, I'd give the top call to one of the Oilers after a two goal victory that wasn't as close as the score suggests, but the Wild's defense was so bad Friday night that even the Oilers couldn't screw up this easy win.

Saturday:  Lots of choices in this game, but Pierre-Marc Bouchard gets the Top Quark call again.  It's too bad he couldn't quite finish off that glorious chance by the crease, but props are in order for Roberto Luongo's acrobatic save on that play.  PMB did dish off assists on three of the four Wild tallies against the Nucks (and also got a helper on Minny's lone goal Friday) so it looks like Butch is on one of his streaks where he'll make multiple point games look routine.

Wednesday:  Another tough one to call here, with several good choices, but PMB gets the Warpy nod again.  Man, has Butch been on fire lately, or what?  #96 is all over the ice these days -- both on offense and on defense -- and things are getting to the point where fans will panic if Bouchard has a game where he doesn't get multiple points.

Up Quark(s):  Friday:  A collective Up Quark goes to the Edmonton Oilers for taking advantage of a somnambulent Wild team and grabbing two quick points in the standings.  The closet thing to an Up Quark for the Wild on Friday would be the three best defensemen on the ice that night: Mikko Koivu, Pierre-Marc Bouchard and Eric Belanger.  An honorable mention goes to Josh Harding for his fine work filling in for Backstrom after he got pulled.  Despite little help from the D, Harding pitched a shutout the rest of the way.

Saturday:  PMB is a pretty tough act to follow in Saturday's game, but a maverick Up Quark call goes to Eric Belanger.  It's nice to see him get rewarded with a goal after the fine job he's been doing on defense.  Belanger has been nowhere to be seen on the score sheet lately, but anyone who watches #25, #9 and #96 regularly would swear that these guys are regular defensemen, and not to be mistaken with pylons covered in #41 and #5 jerseys.

Wednesday:  Mikko Koivu gets an Up Quark for his goal and assist performance last night.  #9 has been a little quiet lately on offense, but given the recent scoring bonanza by Bouchard, Nolan and Clutterbuck, if Koivu starts to get in on the scoring action, the good guys will be able to win some games on offense for a change, and give the goalies a well earned breather.

Down Quark(s):  Friday:  The entire Wild defensive corps gets a Down Quark for playing like they were on quaaludes.  A special Down Quark goes to Brent Burns for his Skoula-like play where he turned his back to the action and decided to go for the puck instead of fundamentally playing the man.  To make a bad play worse, Burnsie dedided to do his impression of Rogie Vachon by sticking his leg out -- just in time to get in Backstrom's way and cost the team a goal.

Saturday:  Not much in the way of downers in this game, but a huge Down Quark goes to the refs for the bogus major-game misconduct call on Clutterbuck.  I have no problem with a penalty being called on the play, since Cal did hit the guy in the back by the boards.  But the refs had no business tossing him.  A minor penalty?  Fine.  Even a double minor would've been OK, since the hit did result in a cut, and a rule is a rule.  But a game misconduct was way overboard -- especially seeing as how the Nucks player embellished the play by turning his back to the hit at the last second.  The referee duo of Polish and Pockmark obviously feel that "out of sight, out of mind" is the easiest way to handle guys who refuse to play like European pansies.

Wednesday:  It's really hard to find a downer after last night's win, but I've gotta give a Down Quark to Derek Boogaard.  Boogey missed a few chances to civilize some Ducks who wanted to take cheap shots at Clutterbuck.  His failure to drop the gloves is probably more Lemaire's fault than Boogey's, but #24 still gets a downer call for missing virtually every check he's tried to throw lately.

Bottom Quark(s):  In order to cut down on the amount of typing I'll need to do on further entries, I might as well put Martin Skoula's name here on a permanent basis.

Friday:  Brent Burns gets the Bottom Quark for Friday's debacle, mostly for the play mentioned above, but also making enough other chowderheaded plays to make Kim Johnsson's bungling look inconsipcuous in comparison.  His offense hasn't been anything to write home about lately, either.

Saturday:  Kim Johnsson can run from a Bottom Quark, but he can't hide.  Just when it looked like the Wild were going to cruise to an easy road win, #5 decided to make what has to be one of the most awful plays I've seen him make in a Wild uniform (and believe me, that's some pretty stiff competition).  In his classical "people might think I'm gay if I touch another guy" style of defense, Johnsson decided to eschew a body check in favor of extending his arm for a lame attempt at a stick check.  Needless to say, the forward skated right through this "check" and potted a goal while making Johnsson's body spin like a limp turnstile.  The Swedish Meathead hereby earns a new nickname for that play:  The Five Million Dollar Turnstile.

Wednesday:  I can't think of any Bottom Quark material from last night's game, but warped minds will leave Skooly in the permanent bottom zone anyway.  Last time #41 played a few good games in a row and got himself removed from the bottom of the warpy barrel, he promptly began to play like his old self again.  Skooly has been playing pretty darn well the last few games (and was downright excellent last night) but I learned my lesson from last time, so I'm not about to change the luck this time.

Strange Quark(s):  Has anyone else noticed that Nick Schultz and Martin Skoula have not been paired up on D since the last Red Wings game when Skooly cost the Wild a regulation win in the waning moments, much to Schultzie's disgust?  Lemaire juggles defensive pairs even more often than he changes line combinations, but I havent seen the #41 and #55 combo out there in weeks.  Not that I'm complaining -- actually, the Skooly/Burnsie duo looked pretty good last night.

Charmed Quark(s):  One of the surest signs that the end is near?  The fact that warped minds can say "Martin Skoula is making Brent Burns look good" and expect to be taken seriously.

The Invisible Higgs Boson Award(s):  At the rate things are progressing, the Europeans will fire up their Large Hadron Collider (LHC) and disCERN the real Higgs particle before Marian Gaborik is seen in skates again.  It's enough to make warped minds fire up their THC (that would be "titanic hadron colliders", in case your twisted mind was thinking about chemistry instead of physics...)

Speaking of invisible, how 'bout Stephane Veilleux


post-dramatic sin drones:

And in Kihnclusion:  The Wild start February off on a good note.  With 8 of 12 games at home this month, the Wild will be well advised to pile up the points and get some breathing room between them and the playoff bubble now, because March sees the good guys play 12 of 16 on the road against some mighty tough opponents.  GO WILD!!!


...and now, a word from our spawn's heirs...

If my wife to be or not to be is watching, the butterfly position isn't just for goalies anymore.  To the rest of you, thanx for tuning in, and remember: I'm pullin' for ya; we're all in this together.

 
 
 
 
The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com