Tag:Los Angeles
Posted on: October 9, 2009 12:35 am
Edited on: October 9, 2009 12:37 am

Kim Johnsson Strikes Again..and again..and again

premature articulations:

Greetings, sports fans!  Warpy is trying hard not to turn this into the Official Kim "The Swedish Turnstile" Johnsson Haters blog, but it's getting harder and harder to do with every passing goal against.  #5 singlehandedly cost the Wild at least one point in the standings with his pathetic excuse for defense in Minnesota's regular season opener against the Columbus Blue Jackets, and his refusal to touch anybody in front of the net cost the Wild another goal in Tuesday's tilt against the Dirty Ducks of Anaheim.

As if that's not enough, The Master Of Hands-Free Defense has already doubled his GAA output in the first period alone in tonight's game against the Los Angeles Kings.  Needless to say, Johnsson has already cemented the Bottom Quark award tonight, so we might as well proceed directly to the Warpy Psychlotron.

dangling sub-atomic participles:

Top Quark(s):  A delayed Top Quark is in order for Martin Havlat after a fine performance in Tuesday's tilt against the Ducks.  Warped minds were too preoccupied with the Twins/Tigers classic to do more than watch the Wild game in fast-forward mode, but that was a heckuva Dome-mojo inspired comeback, eh?  Havlat looks like he's well on the way to another Top Quark in tonight's game, which is now just past the halfway point (with Johnsson The Dildaphonic One chipping in yet another helper for the Kings -- warped minds are surprised that se7en's hat didn't fly on the Staples Center ice to salute Kimmer's efforts:).

Up Quark(s):  Nick Schultz gets an Up Quark for just potting a PPG to cut the Kings' lead down to 4-2 (and he damn near just got another one a minute later).  Aside from his increased participation in the Wild offense, Schultz has been doing his usual unspectacular but utterly reliable work on the defensive end of the ice.

Down Quark(s):  Johnsson is playing so brutally that a Bottom Quark simply doesn't do justice to the debacle that Wild fans are being forced to witness this year -- Kimmer bags the daily double for quarks on the wrong side of the psyhclotron.

Bottom Quark(s):  In order to reduce the amount of typing I'll need to do on future blog entires, I hereby award Kim Johnsson (a.k.a. "I don't wanna touch another guy because then people might think I'm gay") the Bottom Quark on a premanent basis, and will just fill in the necessary details on the next line after each game.

Yep, the Five Million Dollar Salary Cap Boat Anchor strikes again.  Johnsson wasted no time going to his patented Swedish Pansy style of defense, assisting on the first Kings goal before the game was even two minutes old -- his lame excuse of a clearing pass went right on the tape of the Kings' point man, but Kimmer wasn't done yet -- he then proceeded to set up camp in front of the Wild net and do nothing to discourage Kings players from setting up a screen in front of Josh Harding.

The second Kings goal -- minutes later -- was basically a carbon copy of the first, minus the helpful pass.  Opposing scouts have an easy job: just tell players to get in front of the net any time #5 is out there, and watch the scoreboard light up like a Christmas tree.

The Master Of The Screen really outdid himself on the fourth Kings goal, bumbling in front of the crease in classic Martin Skoula style and tangling up Josh Harding's skates at the worst possible time.  Johnsson even displayed a new move on this goal -- since there were no Kings players setting up a screen in front of the net, good old #5 decided to go out there and do it himself.  GWAAAAAGGGH!!  If Johnsson is going to camp in front of the net and screen goalies, it would behoove Todd Richards to move him to forward and at least get him to help the right team.

Strange Quark(s):  It's refreshing to see Wild forwards finally throwing pucks at the net and getting guys down low to sniff around for rebounds, deflections, and the occasional garbage goal.  At the rate Johnsson is going, we'll need all the goals we can get just to stay in the game.

Charmed Quark(s):  The Wild power play is officially on fire; warped minds wonder if Coach Richards read my last blog entry and felt insulted by the comparisons between the Wild offense under Jacques Lemaire and the current "up-tempo" style displayed against the Blue Jackets.  All I know is, the good guys are buzzing the net enough now to bring a joyful tear to my eye.

The Invisible Higgs Boson Award(s):  The Pittsburgh Penguins appear to have found the ideal way to use Martin Skoula on their roster... ha hah.

post-dramatic sin drones:

And in Kihnclusion:  Kim Johnsson is officially a disgrace to the sport of hockey.  There's not much more to say (tho #5 is apparently tired of setting screens for the Kings now, and just decided to take a break in the penalty box...)  It's too bad the ref didn't tack on a 10 minute misconduct to keep him off the ice longer, but the Wild are buzzing the net again, so the outcome of this game may not yet be decided.  GO WILD!!!!!

and now, a word from our spawn's heirs...

If my wife to be or not to be is watching, the spread formation isn't just for football anymore.  To the rest of you, thanx for tuning in, and remember: if it ain't broken, you're not trying hard enough.  quando omni flunkus moritati

Posted on: February 25, 2009 1:48 pm
Edited on: February 25, 2009 2:17 pm

If Minnesota Wild Miss Playoffs by One Point...

premature articulations:

The 8th seed team can thank Kim Johnsson for turning a Minnesota Wild 1-0 shutout win against the Los Angeles Kings into 1-1 tie and shootout loss, courtesy of The Shot Heard Around His Own Net.  Just when warped minds were getting optimistic about the Wild's chances to put some points between them and the playoff bubble, the Swedish Salary Cap Boat Anchor strikes again.  But there's more about Johnsson later in the Bottom Quarks sector of the kihntinuum, so it wouldn't do for the Warpy Psychlotron to give everything away now, eh?

dangling sub-atomic participles:

Top Quark(s):  Mikko Koivu received the #1 star in last night's game, but I've gotta give the Top Quark to Antti Miettinen for his stellar performance.  I addition to the sweet, jock strap shredding move he put on Kings goalie Jonathan Quick in regulation time, #20 also potted the only shootout goal for the good guys (though Koivu drew iron on his SO effort after putting the move on Quick).  Miettinen's hustle on defense wasn't too shabby, either, which has to please Jacques Lemaire to no end.

Up Quark(s):  Koivu gets a huge Up Quark for his assist on Miettinen's shorthanded tally.  #9 generated the whole play by jumping a pass route in a manner reminiscent of Darren Sharper picking off another Brett Favre interception.  It's a shame that he hit the post on the shootout, because he had the goalie beaten crisp and clean with no caffeine.  Speaking of Kings goaltending, Quick gets an Up Quark for his insane glove save on Koivu earlier in the game, when Mikko appeared on the verge of finishing off a sweet backdoor play.

Down Quark(s):  It's hard to find much in the way of downers in a low scoring, evenly kihntested game, but warped minds were less than thrilled with the officiating.  Some Wild players got sent to the box on really marginal ticky-tack calls, whereas Cal Clutterbuck was getting worked over all night by the Kings while drawing only one whistle.  Kings fans also have a right to scratch their heads at the refereeing last night: as weak as some of the calls against the Wild were, the calls against the Kings were even worse, and appeared to serve no purpose other than as make-up calls in order to keep the marbles somewhat balanced between the proverbial pockets.

Bottom Quark(s):  In order to cut down on the amount of typing I'll need to do on further entries, I might as well put Kim Johnsson's name here on a permanent basis, and fill in the needed details later.  The Swedish Salary Cap Boat Anchor plays "defense" as if he's afraid people will think he's gay if he's seen touching another guy.  The closest thing Johnsson does to "checking" is the occasional sticking out of the arm or stick, which forwards easily skate through on their way to the net while #5 spins around like a five million dollar turnstile.

Yep, no doubt about it: Kim Johnsson piles up another Bottom Quark to add to his dildaphonic collection.  As if non-checking and non-defending isn't bad enough, now #5 feels the need to shoot pucks into his own net.  Granted, Johnsson wasn't actually trying to score on Backstrom on the play, but what kind of chowderhead decides to try clearing the puck by throwing it across the crease two inches in front of the goal line in any defensive situation?

Strange Quark(s):  What's up with Pierre-Marc Bouchard not even getting a sniff at trying to win the game for the Wild in the shootout?  #96 has been on fire for the last couple of weeks, and has been on one of those rolls where even his bad shots find a Midas touch.  With the shootout knotted at 1-1 after the first three shooters, the Wild brain trust had a prime chance to put the game in the hands of the hottest player not named Owen Nolan.  But noooooooo -- they decide to go with Brent "Lost His Mojo" Burns for all the marbles.  Aside from playing sub-standard defense for several weeks, Brent Burns has left much to be desired in shootouts this year.  As readers of earlier blog entries will no doubt remember, I've used lots of adjectives to describe what I think of Brent Burns doing his silly impression of Pavol Demitra on shootouts ("let's go far off to one side, and give the goalie only one angle to worry about..")

Charmed Quark(s):  When Niklas Backstrom stopped Anze Kopitar cold on the first SO shot, warped minds were sure that two points were in the bag for the good guys.  That sentiment lasted all of about five seconds, when some genius decided to go with Marek Zidlicky for our first shooter.  It's amazing how some defensemen (*cough* Keith Carney or Erik Reitz) can stay in Jacques Lemaire's doghouse indefinitely, while others get a free pass in a matter of days.  Lemaire has been reaming Zidlicky a new one for the last couple of games, but all of a sudden when the game is on the line, he decides to throw up a big, juicy bone.  Brilliant.  If he was gonna throw a bone to a defenseman, Lemaire could've at least picked Martin Skoula -- he has been on a scoring roll lately (heck, any time Skooly gets a point, it qualifies as a "roll".)  Can you imagine the noise at the X if #41 were to get a shootout goal?

The Invisible Higgs Boson Award(s):  At the rate things are progressing, the Europeans will fire up their Large Hadron Collider (LHC) and disCERN the real Higgs particle before Marian Gaborik is seen in skates again.  It's enough to make warped minds fire up their THC (that would be "titanic hadron collider", in case your twisted mind was thinking about chemistry instead of physics...)

post-dramatic sin drones:

And in Kihnclusion:  One point is better than none, but with home games running out faster than 401k balances in American dollars, the Wild let one get away.  Next up is a western road trip that starts with the inevitable loss to the Calgary Flames, followed by an entertaining wax job on the Edmonton Oilers, which Derek Boogaard will no doubt be looking forward to  GO WILD!!!

...and now, a word from our spawn's heirs...

If my wife to be or not to be is watching, the butterfly position isn't just for goalies anymore.  To the rest of you, thanx for tuning in, and remember: the sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.




Category: NHL
Posted on: January 21, 2009 7:40 pm

Are the Wild Doing Enough to Make the Playoffs?

premature articulations:

In a word, not really.  OK, that's two words, but the The Minnesota Wild are doing just enough to keep warped minds from answering with a resounding "no".  The last few games are a classic example: an impressive road win against a high octane Chicago Blackhawks team, sandwiched between a couple of eggs laid at home against the Anaheim dirty Ducks and the Los Angeles freaking Kings.  The Wild have proven that their A-game can give the best of the NHL all it can handle (recent dandies against the Detroit Red Wings and the San Jose Sharks leap to mind) but with a brutal finishing schedule getting closer and closer, the Wild can ill afford to lay any more eggs.  But enough yakking; it's time to fire up the Warpy Psychlotron:

dangling sub-atomic participles:

Top Quark(s):  Owen Nolan, Cal Clutterbuck and (gasp) Marek Zidlicky get Top Quark honors for their excellent play in recent games.  Nolan continues to demonstrate the fact that the ticket to more goals is to prowl around the net for rebounds and deflections, and Clutterbuck is following suit.  And given the way Clutterbuck continues to hit everything in the wrong colored jersey (and cleanly, at that) it's only a matter of time before #22 enters the domain of permanent top quarkdom.

All Zidlicky does is score power play goals, but then again, the early rap on NFL great Cris Carter was that all he did was catch touchdown passes.  I've been down on #3 in before, but a tip of the hat is in order for his recent perfomances.  While a few good games doesn't wipe out a history of bad ones in my book, Zidlicky is mighty close to balancing the proverbial ledger and checking out of the Warpy doghouse for good.

Permanent Top Quark(s):  Niklas Backstrom, Josh Harding, Mikko Koivu.  If Jacques Lemaire would quit giving his two worst defensemen (Johnsson and Skoula, a.k.a. The Dildaphonic Duo) the highest amount of ice time every game, the Vezina Trophy would be all but cemented in our favor already.  Koivu continues to be the best offensive player on the team, and is also one of the better -- if not the best -- defenseman on the team to boot.

Up Quark(s):  Pierre-Marc Bouchard gets an Up Quark for his recent goal and two assist performance.  Butch has been playing some godawful hockey over the last few weeks, but for one glorious night, he was passing the puck with confidence, and even (gasp) taking some shots.  Sadly, he played like his old self again last night against the Kings, making tentative passes and coughing up the puck at every opportunity, but warped minds are still moved to give props to #96 for his defensive play; at least the guy hustles whenever he's on the ice, which is more than fans can say for Martin "the statue by the goalposts" Skoula or Kim "people might think I'm gay if I touch another guy" Johnsson.

Permanent Up Quark(s):  Cal Clutterbuck, Nick Schultz, Brent Burns.  Schultz continues to play his usual, solid if unspectacular style of defense, but warped minds may have to reconsider this permanent quark thing if he makes a habit out of coughing up the puck in our zone with questionable passing decisions.  Ditto for Burnsie, whose play has been going downhill at an alarming rate for the Warped One's liking.  Both guys would have profited immensely from another year of experienced tutoring courtesy of Keith Carney; this year's stagnation may be linked to the fact that the nearest thing to veteran guidance available for defensemen this year is now none other than the Dildaphonic Duo.

Down Quark(s):  Stay tuned for future updates; it's Labatt's time now in Warpyland, so the rest of this blog entry is on autopilot for the time being.

Permanent Down Quark(s):  Pierre-Marc Bouchard.  Man, is this guy having a brutal season!  #96 is still doing a decent job of helping out on the defensive end of the ice, but his shooting has been nonexistent, and his passes are being stroked with all the confidence and authority of 1967 original North <span style="color: #276098;">Stars alumnus Mike McMahon lining up a four foot putt.  The major difference is that Mikey is typically on target or thereabouts on his putts, whereas Butch's passes look more like Martin Skoula turnovers in slow motion.  To say that Bouchard's play has been disappointing would be a gross understatement; it'll take a pretty impressive turnaround for him to get into the Warpy penthouse.

Bottom Quark(s):  In order to reduce the amount of typing I'll need to do on future entires, I'll just plug in Martin Skoula's name here on a permanent basis, and insert the needed details below as needed.

Yep; that worked.  Just when I was about to remove Skooly from the Permanent Bottom Quark list -- after witnessing a string of games where #41 upgraded his play from brutal to mediocre (with even some flashes of *gasp* quality play) -- the Master of Minus is playing like his old self again with a vengenace.  Stay tuned for more (Lord knows, there's never a shortage of material here:)

Permanent Bottom Quark(s):  Martin Skoula, Kim Johnsson, Marek Zidlicky, Marc-Andre Bergeron.  The Dildaphonic Duo now has some company.  The addition of Zidlicky (a.k.a. "my defense looks like a cross between Skoula and Johnsson") turns the duo into a terrible trio, or perhaps the European Triangle.  Throw in Bergeron (a.k.a. "master of missing the net and whiffing on checks") and we have a four-sided trapezoid of terror whenever the puck enters our zone: henceforth, The Crapezoidal Quartet.  (I may have to reconsider this one; Zidlicky and Bergeron are nowhere near the other two when it comes to godawful play...)

(new) Higgs Boson award for invisibility:  Marian Gaborik clinches this one.  At the rate things are going, Europe's Large Hadron Collider will get fired up and detect the real Higgs particle before Wild fans detect Gabby's presence again.  Warpy will be rolling out his THC (that's Titanic Hadron Collider, as if you didn't know:) to try and disCERN further information here.

Strange Quark(s):  It appears that Jacques Lemaire needs to have at least one whipping boy in his doghouse at all times, and it looks more and more like <span style="color: #276098;">Erik Reitz is now the unlucky guy.  Personally, I think he's one of the better defensemen on the team; he's basically the only blueliner not named Schultz or Burns who is willing to throw a check once in a while.  But for some reason, he festers on the bench (or in street clothes) while the Crapezoidal Quartet get all the ice time it can handle, and then some.

Charmed Quark(s):  No doubt about it: the Dildaphonic Duo must have some serious dirt on Lemaire in order to stay out of the doghouse, not to mention the 20+ minutes of ice time they keep logging game in and game out.  Does anybody out there have a logical explanation as to why these clowns get all the minutes while more competent defensemen sit on the bench?

post-dramatic sin drones:

And in Kihnclusion:  The All Star break comes at a good time for the Wild.  After some badly needed days off, the good guys get to stay home and collect a gimme two points against the Toronto Maple Leafs.  Then again, last night's game against the Kings was supposed to be a gimme and that didn't turn out so well, so I wouldn't be surprised if a certain Leafs fan or two decide to challenge me to an avatar bet.  The Warped One says in advance, "you're on!"  GO WILD!!!

...and now, a word from our spawn's heirs...

If my wife to be or not to be is watching, the butterfly position isn't just for goalies anymore.  To the rest of you, thanx for tuning in, keep your stick on the ice, and remember: if it ain't broken, you're not trying hard enough.

Category: NHL
The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com