Tag:commercial break
Posted on: March 30, 2009 6:32 pm
Edited on: March 30, 2009 6:34 pm

...and now, a word from our spawn's heirs...

After digging to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network in place more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the Times read: "California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced, high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, the Dispatch, a local newspaper in St. Paul, reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Lake Elmo, Minnesota, Ole Olson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.  Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Minnesota had already gone wireless."

Thank Heavens for Ole.  Who said we're hicks??

Category: General
Posted on: September 5, 2008 9:44 pm
Edited on: September 5, 2008 10:19 pm

Dedicated to All Undecided Voters (and Wild fans)

Greetings, sports fans!  Since we still have a month before the puck drops for Minnesota Wild hockey, let's talk about more recent events at Excel Energy Center.  Politics doesn't lend itself to very many hockey analogies because hockey games have three periods, thus making it harder to split something down the middle and compare two alternatives.  Football, on the other hand, not only has two halves, but each half also has two quarters, thus making it really easy to do one-on-one comparisons.  With this in mind, let's turn it over to Warpyland, where the proverbial football game featuring the Democrats and the Republicans is down to the two minute warning. 

 First half recap:  The Democrats take Bill Clinton to the House.  Since he also enjoyed a majority in Congress during his first term, you could say that the Dems spent the entire first quarter on offense, and spent the second quarter on defense after the Reps took over possession of the congressional ball.  No matter how you slice it, though, it sure was an exciting, high scoring affair (no pun intended if your name happens to contain "Monica" and/or "Lewinski").

The field was in pretty rough shape early on, due to some soggy deficits left over from the earlier Reagan and Bush Senior bowl games.  As we approach halftime, though, groundskeeper Mr. Surplus has successfully dried the deficits off the field, allowing Mr. Economy to run wild and put up hall of fame numbers.  Even Mr. Taxes is quietly having a good game; apparently the top bracket players who got hit hardest by Taxes earlier are now getting the last laugh, as Mr. Investments breaks free for some prodigious returns on special teams.  The Republicans are going to have a tough act to follow in the second half, but locker room sources say that Bush Junior is giving a pep talk that makes anything ever uttered by Al Gore look and sound utterly boring in comparison. 

 Second half recap:  Whatever that halftime pep talk was, it sure worked; Bush Junior gets the ball and takes it to the House for a two-termer.  His Republican teammates had a congressional majority during Dubya's first term, so the Reps stayed on offense for the entire third quarter; an eerie carbon copy of the Dems' situation in the first quarter.  The Dems now have possession of the congressional ball in the final quarter and put the Reps on defense, so we'll end up with virtually identical halves (and quarters) for both teams.  Not even in his wildest dreams could Pete Rozelle have imagined 16 years of near perfect parity for both conferences.

This game should've been a real nail-biter, but strangely enough, the scoreboard doesn't reflect much parity at all.  Despite a fine first half performance, the Reps brass decided to cut Mr. Taxes.  This move looked like it would promote Mr. Investments from special teams into regular roster stardom, but Investments ended up getting thrown around for big losses in the second half, and will be playing overseas for the foreseeable future.  In another strange personnel move, head coach John McCain and GM Dick Cheney ignored the advice of their own intelligence agents, and agreed to sign untested player Operation Iraqi Freedom to a massive, open-ended contract.  In an effort to save salary cap space, former first round draft choice War On Terror (a.k.a. "In Places Where They Were A Genuine Threat") has been put on waivers, and our old groundskeeping friend Mr. Surplus was given his walking papers just before it started raining deficits again, this time harder than ever.  Worst of all, our star player Mr. Economy is out on injured reserve, and his much ballyhooed stimulus and recovery has been repeatedly delayed.  As the final seconds of the game tick off, the score is surprisingly lopsided, giving both Democrats and the Republicans plenty of time to wonder what would happen if the new cheerleader from Alaska suddenly becomes head coach of the United States Armed Forces. 

 Bottom line:  The playing field has been as level as it can possibly get for both parties over the last 16 years, but the results have been decidedly different.  Talk about a tale of two halves!  Which half do y'all wanna see a replay of?  I'll try the "D" half of the ballot this time, thank you very much, but whether you agree with that or not, at least you've gotta agree with this: if Americans want to see a change in any direction, we've gotta quit voting with one foot on each side of the fence.  If we don't give one side or the other a veto-proof and filibuster-proof majority, all we're gonna get is more gridlock.

God bless the USA!!!

Category: General
Posted on: July 28, 2008 5:55 pm

New Entries For the Sports Dictionary

The first two are from a MAD magazine that would be worth some serious coin if I'd thought to hang on to the damn things back in those days.  As far as I know, the rest are Warpy originals.  In no particular order, new entries to the Sports Dictionary are:

Agnew:  to suddenly change directions without warning.  [e.g.  the ball agnewed and hit him in the face.]

Plimpton:  to poorly imitate something that is well done by others.

Kerry:  to waffle or flip-flop multiple times.  [e.g.  Alexi Casilla wasn't sure whether to start a double play at second or get the lead runner at home, so he kerryed on the play and everyone was safe.]

Favre:  to agnew or kerry, but with considerably more drama and media coverage.  [see also: Obama, Ventura]

Wie-Wie:  to make an error that even toddlers in potty training would not make.  [e.g.  I would've won the tournament if I hadn't wie-wied my score card.]  [note: not to be confused with Wie-In.]

Wie-In:  to gain entry into something for which a person is otherwise unqualified.  [e.g.  being a past champion got Darrell Waltrip a wie-in to many races.]

Category: General
Posted on: July 3, 2008 7:22 pm

Based on a Possibly True Story...

...a man engaged to a very nice and attractive lady visits his in-laws to-be a few days before the wedding is scheduled.  The mother is the only one home at the time, and she immediately pulls the man into the house and starts undressing herself.  "Please, baby!  Let's make love just once before you tie the knot!  You are so hot, and I know you've checked me out a few times, too.  I promise not to tell anyone, and I'll never ask you to do this again."  Since the woman is indeed very attractive, the man isn't quite sure what to do, but after some considerable hesitation, he says, "Uhhh... Lemme go back to my car..." and walks out the door.

When he returns to the front door a few minutes later, the mother says, "I was just testing you to see if you'd remain faithful to my daughter.  She just won the lottery, you see, and I certainly don't want her marrying some two-timing scumbag.  Congratulations, and welcome to our family!"  And they live happily ever after.


Moral of the story: always carry a spare condom in the glove compartment.

Category: General
Posted on: June 4, 2008 10:55 am

How to Tell if You are Married

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men. They decide that night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. They will meet in a few days to compare notes. After a few days they meet up for lunch. The engaged woman: “The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my life. I love you.’ Then we made love all night long.” The mistress: “I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.”   The married woman: “I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, ‘What's for dinner, Batman?’”
Category: General
Posted on: April 30, 2008 3:16 pm

...and now, a word from our spawn's heirs...

Here's an oldie but goodie, with a kihntemporary Warpy twist:

Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King and George W. Bush are all in line waiting for entry into the Kingdom of Heaven.  Lincoln gets to the front of the line, and St. Peter advises him that he needs to prove he really is Abraham Lincoln before he can get in.  Lincoln starts talking about the evils of slavery, and finally St. Peter says, "OK, I'm convinced you're Lincoln.  Welcome to Heaven, Abe!"

A while later, Martin Luther King makes his way to the gate, and St. Peter tells him that he's in as long as he can prove his identity.  King starts going into a speech about the evils of racism, and finally St. Peter says, "OK, I'm convinced.  Welcome to Heaven, Dr. King!"

A while later yet, George W. Bush is at the gate, and St. Peter says, "OK, just prove that you really are George Dubya Bush and you're in."  Bush says, "Why do I have to do that?  Every taxpayer for the next three generations will know who I am!"  St. Peter replies, "Because I made Abraham Lincoln and Martin Luther King do the same thing before letting them in.  Now it's your turn."  Bush says, "Lincoln?  King?  Who are they?"  St. Peter goes, "Yep, you're George Dubya all right!"

Category: General
Posted on: March 21, 2008 5:16 pm

...and now, a word from our spawn's hairs...

Arrrgh.  Not even through the first round of March Madness, and already my brackets are toasted worse than Fred Smoot on any given Sunday.  Oh well, at least I can enjoy the view from the top of my NASCAR league for another week; maybe even longer if Denny Hamlin somehow manages to outpoint Kyle Busch next week.

Why is it that every issue of every golf magazine has a sure-fire cure for the slice, but I'm always ducking other people's drives?  And what are my balls doing in the wrong fairway?

Trigonometry is for squares.

Has anyone else noticed the facial hair differences in Paul's philtrum in the Strawberry Fields Forever video?

Category: NCAAB
Posted on: March 20, 2008 2:28 pm
Edited on: March 20, 2008 2:36 pm

...and now, a word from our spawn...sirs

Greetings!  Welcome to the new segment of this blog, where we take a break from the usual hockey and sports related posts to spew forth anything and everything that may be festering in our warped minds.  To paraphrase John Lennon in his own write (and to give y'all an idea what to expect in future commercial breaks:)  "I was bored in 1940 while the Nasties were bumming pools of liver from their junkers."

I'll admit that I'm not old enough to remember the Nazis bombing Liverpool -- and I'll also admit that stuff like this isn't quite as funny if ya have to explain it -- but there are children (and even Green Bay Packers fans) on this site, so a little clarification is in order before getting started.  Now, without further macadoo, Witty And Ravishing Poster Educates Dummies: Mostly Inane Nonsense Delivered.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Kihnfucius says he who study Calculus find life full of limits.

And now, back to the regularly secluded protracting -- there's a Wild game to talk about shortly.  If my future ex-wife-to-be happens to be reading this, you'll probably never buy me flowers or candy for Valentine's Day either, so how does the man always get stuck being the bad guy?  To the rest of y'all, thanx for tuning in, keep your stick on the ice, and remember:  the sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.  Peace.  Make lust, not war.

Category: NHL
The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com