Posted on: August 25, 2008 6:05 pm

Fearless Minnesota Wild Predictions for 2008-2009

  • Martin Skoula and Derek Boogaard will both score at least three goals this season.  Fans are strongly encouraged to throw their hats on the ice to honor the season hat trick.  If some goon throws a Nerf football on the ice, though, it won't be me.
  • Josh Harding will finish third in the voting for the Vezina Trophy after a brilliant string of games while filling in for an injured Nicklas Backstrom.  Backs gets in just enough games to avoid being nicknamed Wally Pipp.
  • Mark Parrish will flirt with a 100 point season, causing fans to wonder what the heck Doug Risebrough was thinking when he bought out the remainder of a not unreasonable contract.
  • Pandemonium will break out during one of the between-periods squirt games.  Aaaaahh... old time hockey.
  • Marian Gaborik will miss a dozen games with a groin pull that he blames on "some chick named Svetlana" (hey, I've gotta make sure I get at least one right...)

That's all the crystal ball shows for now.  Once I get a chance to wipe off the Beijing smog, I'm sure the ball will reveal some more flaky (and not so flaky) predictions.  GO Wild!!!

Category: NHL
Posted on: February 19, 2008 7:01 pm

Fearless Warped Predictions for Tonight's Game

Well, my first try at handicapping the Wild/Canucks game last week didn't work out so great, but my last blog had a brilliant call on a nine goal game against the Predators, so now that I'm on a roll (and already have one more thing right about the Wild than some of the spooling foolios who post on the team page will ever have:) here's a warped precap of tonight's tilt:

1st period: Matt Cooke gets his richly deserved comeuppance courtesy of a well aimed "accidental" Aaron Voros elbow.  The fans don't mind seeing him get a double minor, but get worked up into a frenzy when the ref whistles Kim Johnsson on a questionable ticky-tack tripping call early in the penalty kill.  The frenzy reaches borderline postal proportions when the Nucks take advantage with two PPGs.  Luckily, the ref subscribes to the Marble Theory of penalty calling, giving the Wild a 5 on 3 later in the period.  The Wild cash in once to go into the locker room down 2-1.

2nd period: Lots of roughhousing and fisticuffs in this stanza.  Marian Gaborik and Pavol Demitra cash in on another two on one break to get the only goal of the period.  This time, with the goalie and the defender both focusing on Gabby, he fakes a snap shot and slides the puck across to Pavs, who slams it into the yawning net.

3rd period: Mikko Koivu continues his Nuck torementing ways, bagging the game winner on a breakaway.  The instant Koivu dips his shoulder for his patented forehand fake shimmy move, Roberto Luongo says "Aha!  I've seen this move before" and slides to the left with his glove up to snag the top shelf backhander.  Meanwhile in the same instant, Koivu goes "Yah, I know you've seen that move before, but this time I really am going with the forehand!"  Brent Burns caps off the scoring by putting in an empty netter with far more elan than the situation calls for, starting a dandy fracas (this prediction didn't pan out last time, so we're due now..)

Last but not least, just to hedge my bets -- and to make sure I get at least one thing right again -- the dildaphonic duo of Martin Skoula and Kim Johnsson (a.k.a. "the one combination known to man that Jacques Lemaire refuses to tinker with") will cost the Wild a goal with their bumbling defensive play and piss-poor positioning.  Even the most indulgent bookie in Vegas won't dare take action on that call.

Let's go Wild!!!  If it ain't broke, you're not trying hard enough.

Category: NHL
The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com